i saw that.

Those flowers are so vibrant they don’t even look real - but I don’t know how to use Photoshop and I didn’t use the cheap-ass “enhance” feature in iPhoto, so rest assured that your eyes do not deceive you.

You know what will deceive you?  Time.  Memory.  People.  Perspective.  I was talking to someone about a decision that was made, from my perspective, consciously and with purpose.  How it was not circumstantial, it was intentional, and required forethought and analysis.  I was then asked to imagine that it wasn’t those things.  That it was, at least partly, circumstantial because we humans don’t control our own destiny - we’re shaped by our environs but also by “fate” or some other such external force.  I was asked whether that point of view gave me any comfort and my response?  Fuck no.  Are you kidding me?  I’m someone who lives my life believing that it is what I make of it.  I believe that if you pay attention and do your best and work hard, then your decisions shape your life: emotions, frame of mind and everything else into the thing you’re aiming for it to be.  Why is it that for some, the idea that things are out of your hands and in the hands of a divine being or unstoppable cosmic force is a comfort and for others, it bathes everything in a light of futility? I like my god painting sunsets, not secretly piloting my ship whilst making me believe the rudder I steer isn’t just for show.

“Everything happens for a reason” is just an empty platitude - unless it refers to physics.  Then that’s just cause and effect.  I firmly believe in physics, but what do I know anyway…

Who thinks this trip will heal my broken heart?

Super Grover and I met at Zuma Beach on Labor Day weekend, 2009.  We were introduced by one of the best people I have ever met, when they met accidentally in the sand.  That person and I have recently parted ways, but Super Grover has decided to stick around and be my buddy for as long as I’ll have him.  His hugs probably won’t be as warm as the ones I’m used to, but what he lacks in a circulatory system he more than makes up for in enthusiasm.

I don’t feel good today - in my feelings section, I mean.  I don’t have a reason to not feel good, but my heart hurts a little and I feel sad.  This photo makes my heart hurt a little, too, but in a nice way.

This is the result of a dance party in New York on Sunday, August 16, 2009.  It was so much fun that I don’t even care that these superrad shoes are ruined.  That’s pretty much all I need to say about that.

This is Big Bear.  I went this past weekend with a group of friends and we took this glorious hike up through the forest to a rocky outcrop.  There are amazing photos of everyone having a great time - posing like a fake band, posing with a fallen tree’s branches ‘tween their legs like wooden penises, hiking, talking, laughing - but this is my favorite part.  The light is beautiful, the terrain is surprisingly breathtaking in it’s simplicity and it makes me feel calm, centered and hopeful.

I haven’t been working since late March and have had the most amazing summer.  I’ve made new friends, established new and healthful routines, started to learn an instrument and began dating someone I like quite a bit.  I’m really growing up, guys, and just in time - I’ll turn 30 in two weeks.  I’m ready to grab onto my life and actually steer it in a purposeful direction for the first time - maybe I’m getting a later start than a lot of people, but I’m looking forward to doing things with a better understanding of myself and a serenity of the mind.

xo.

Do you know how hard it is to take a good photo of a hummingbird?  It’s super, super hard.  I have a bazillion terrible photos of hummingbirds from my old apartment, this happens to be a good one.  There are a lot of hummingbirds at my new apartment, but I don’t have their pattern down just yet.  Sometimes they’re high, sometimes they’re low.  Sometimes they’re around in the morning, other times in the afternoon.  I plan to either a) strategically plant some morning glories to grow in with the ivy that the birds like to sniff around in; or b) get a feeder.  Or both, I guess.  I know I’m not the only person who finds hummingbirds delightful creatures, but aren’t they just so lovely?  I don’t think it’s possible for a human person to see a hummingbird flitting around being perfect and beautiful without experiencing at least a moment of pure wonder and bliss.  They are so tiny, so seemingly fragile, and yet they are swift and strong.  They know how to flawlessly be what they are.  Humans are so much more complex, what with our reason and analytical thought, but is that to our benefit?  What I wouldn’t give sometimes to have been born with an undeniable understanding of what I am and what my purpose in life is - however simple.

The festive rental.